I stared blankly ahead. The moron in front of me had put his chair back so far, his head was practically in my lap. (And I usually enjoy that sort of thing!)
"Sir," I said quietly. "Could you please put your seat to the upright position?"
Bert shrugged. "Oh, fine."
That's right. We ordered our tickets, got on a plane... got on a another plane... strolled around the Vancouver, Canada airport, got on another plane, spent a night at some airport in South America and then got on another plane.
That's right. We got to spend exactly six hour at Sant Onaray... and we ended up staying at the same hotel as Bernard, Fran and Manny. And we all had been drinking the tiny bottles of hard liquor they serve on airplanes... Not that I'm proud of this, but there's a good chance that I Frenched both Fran and Bernard.
And I most definitely slept with Manny. Again.
Shit.
So, there I was, back on a plane, with Bert sitting in the seat in front of me and Elle sitting across the aisle, chugging a bottle of wine with an older woman glaring at her.
"Elle," I whispered. She didn't hear me. "Elle!" I hissed louder.
She raised an eyebrow at me as her head wobbled and fell over onto her right shoulder. "Wot?"
"Give me that."
Elle frowned and shoved the bottle at me. The older woman nodded in thanks. I smiled and took a few gulps of wine before handing the bottle back to Elle. The older woman looked not amused.
I didn't care though. I'd been on 11 different planes in 11 different countries in the past week and I was sick of it. Besides, no one needed to ever, ever go on a plane sober. It's just not right.
Our plane landed. I dragged my bag (I'd started this trip with two bags, actually.) behind me as Elle and Bert followed.
Bert winced. "Where are we?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a hairy Irishman and a troll. Why do we keep seeing them?!
"Bernard! Manny!" I shouted from across the crowded airport. "Fran!"
Manny looked at me, blushed and gave a little wave.
Elle, who was pissed by this time, slumped herself against a wall and closed her eyes. "Where the bloody fuck are we?"
"Heathrow," Manny said.
Elle opened one eye. "...Really?"
Fran nodded. She didn't look exactly sober herself.
"Thank God," Bert said. He gave Bernard the up-and-down look. "Why are you in a skirt?"
As agreed, we took separate cabs home and arrived in Bloomsbury at the same time. It was raining hard when we stepped out of the cab and it was actually comforting. We were definitely back in London.
While Bernard and Manny squirmed inside of the back window of Black Books, Bert, Elle and I just went in through the front door. Bert tossed himself onto the sofa... and then bolted upright.
"Guys."
Elle threw a book at him. "Bert, pack your things. I never want to see you again. And you can tell your mother thank you for a week of plane-traveling hell."
"No, guys. Look." He pointed out the window and wandered out of the store, wide-eyed at the horrid sight now sitting across the street, situated right beside Black Books.
"Elle," I said quietly, but firmly. "Come outside."
The three of us stood in the street, in the rain and stared.
Illuminated by a bright, neon sign were the words "Goliath Books" with "Books, Books, Books" written in the windows in bright white print. Standing in front of the store was Bernard, Manny and Fran, looking as horrified as we did.
Elle didn't say a word. She just closed her eyes and stumbled back inside.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
She sighed and looked at her feet. "I'm going on holiday."
(Readers: Thank you for reading our little fanfiction thus far. We, the writers, are starting college shortly and may not have time to update this for a while. Stay tuned, because we very well might be back!)
"Make the noise stop!"
I hadn't even bothered looking up from my book, as I expertly kicked Bert's chair from under the desk. He glared at me reproachfully. Ever since the bugger threw out my fags, I haven't bothered to be polite to him.
"It'll be over soon, Elle." Elise had been trying to reason with me since the infernal noise began yesterday.
"Why don't we do something? I'm bored to death," Bert complained. I looked up from my book.
"Why don't you go an see when the noise will stop?!" I yelled over the drilling.
"But I don't - " Bert was cut off by the sounds of the world collapsing. Elise yelled a bit over the noise and finally Bert did go out to see when it would finally stop.
"The foreman said - " Bert began when he came back, but was cut off by the drilling noise across the street. After some failed attempts of communication, we relocated to a cafe further up the street, and Bert was finally able to tell us what he'd been told.
"He said they'd break for lunch soon, but after that it's going to get much worse," he said, sipping from a cappicino, creating a foamy moustache on his upper lip.
"Well, what if we go do something. It is Sunday, isn't it?" Elise asked. I knew exactly what she had in mind, and I sure it didn't invlove Bert and I.
"Yes?" Bert replied eagerly.
"So why don't we go to the park?"
"The park?" I asked, gobsmacked. "Why would you even suggest that?"
"What if we went to see a film?" Bert asked, clearly steering the conversation to safer waters. He picked up a discarded paper from the table. "How about this one? 'London Fog.' Michael Caine. A used car salesman must race against the clock to find the next victim of a Jack the Ripper-esque killer from-"
"No, no," I groaned, ripping the paper out of his hands. "What's this? 'The Dangerous Six.' Nicole Kidman, Natalie Portman, Penelope Cruz...blah blah...Six women who went boldly where no other women had gone in the Age of the Flappers.' What rubbish is this?" I demanded, as Elise took the paper away from me.
"How about this one? 'Green Sounds.' Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen with Mos Def," she read.
"Oh, they're cute. Well, pre-rehab cute, I suppose," Bert replied. I snorted.
"'A different POV from the new release, 'Blue's Tunes', this movie works from the side of sisters Sadie and Sabrina Green, rival music shop owners to that of Leonard Blue. With the help of their drag queen assitant, Lady ZaZa..." Elise paused for some sort of dramatic affect (giving Bert enough time to giggle to himself), "..the twins attempt to undermine Blue's Tunes and deal with their own personal issues. From yelling matches between Sadie and Leonard, the love/hate relationship of Sabrina and Danny and the off-hand comments from Lady ZaZa, things are sure to be sizzling for this end of the summer's blockbuster!' Pfft."
"Wankers," I replied.
"As if that could come anywhere close to being like real life!" Bert exclaimed.
"A child could write better!" Elise added, throwing down the paper in disgust. "They can't even come up with a good idea, they just feed off of pre-existing ideas, all laid out for them."
"Fill-in-the-blanks," I replied.
"Exactly!"
"I wonder how good Mos Def looks in drag?" Bert mused.
We trooped back to the shop, unsuccessful. The noise had stopped briefly, so we were debating going out for dinner. Finally after arguing over where we should go, we got ready to leave.
"I'll just run out and grab my purse from the car!" Bert said, running out of the shop quickly.
I looked to Elise and was about to ask, when she replied, "Penny's."
Bert came running back in in a headlong sprint. He was waving an envolpe around and jibbering at the same time, making absolutely no sense. Not that he usually does anyways.
"Fix him, would you?" I growled. Elise nodded and slapped him on the face.
"There's a sign, Elle! A sign!"
"They've finally found and have decided to come take you back to your home planet?" I asked, grabbing my purse out from under the desk.
"No, no! It's says they're building across the street for the next 2 weeks! What'll we do?" he exclaimed, doing a panicky dance. Elise looked at me wide-eyed.
"We'll...we'll drink heavily.....shout at each other to drown out the sound!" I replied, realizing as I said it, how completely foolish that sounded.
"Well we won't be able to hear you, will we?" Elise shouted, as the noise began again.
"Wait! Wait! Why don't we go away?" Bert exclaimed suddenly.
"No! Absolutely not! I'm not going anywhere!" I replied, yelling louder, to be heard over the noise.
"It's a perfect excuse!" Elise agreed with him.
"And my mother just left 3 plane tickets to Sant Onaray in Penny's car as an early birthday present for meeee!"
"Shut up, where's the sign?" I asked, pushing Bert out of my way.
"Are you sure they're for you?" Elise asked skeptically as I stepped out the door, into the pouring rain. I watched Bernard beat the sign with an umbrella before venturing over. I ran across the street to where a little old woman was starring at the broken umbrella and tenner in her hands.
"'S'cuse me." I pushed her out my way to the sign. I read it quickly. Twice.
