3 posts tagged “car”

Completely satisfied that that little shock of juice should have at least jolted the health inspector, I was getting out of the car when I heard Elise scream.

I ran inside in time to see the Health Inspector holding one of my kitchen knives to Bert's throat.  So maybe it wasn't Elise who screamed...?

"Wot the SODDING HELL- ?!" I shouted, but was interrupted by the HI.  Honestly I expected him to start grunting like Frankenstein's monster, but I guess that was the second surprise I had that night.

"I want  you to empty your till and give me all the money you've got and anything else that might fetch a hefty price, or I'll slit your girlfriend's pretty little neck," he said, his voice low and dangerous as a sligtly demented smile played on his face.  Actually, it was completely demented.

And to improve to situation even better, Elise started laughing hysterically.

"Fat chance you've got!  There isn't a cent in that till!" she snorted.  I tried to give her a you're-definitely-not helping look, but that made her laugh even more.

The HI started to look nervous. 

"Right, wot's it gona be, give me the money, or your friend here get's it."  Bert stopped whimpering for a brief second to add his two cents worth.

"Just for the record, in case you do decide to kill me, I am a bloke."

"Bert.  Not helping," I replied.  Bert shot me pained look, as the HI shook him and held the blade closer to his neck.

And then the crashing in the shop started.  I suddenly remembered that Bernard had implied that he would actually come to see what we would put up for "competetancy" and thought that is was him and Manny making their path of destruction to the kitchen.

"Bernard, don't come in here!" I yelled.  I made a move for the doorway, but the HI actually pressed the blade against Bert's neck, who was making a brave effort not to cry.

The answer that came back surprised me.  I was really starting to hate, I mean really hate, surprises.

"Bernard's not fucking well here!" yelled Fran, appearing at the doorway.  "And I need my car!"  We all turned to stare at her.  "Oo's 'e?" she demanded, before what was going on registered.

Everything after that happened really quickly.  Honestly, I didn't know Fran could move as fast as she did.

She suddenly bent down, grabbed my discarded pan and hit the Health Inspector over the head before he could react (probably a side effect from being brought back from the dead).  After he and Bert went down, Fran was about to scream for her car, so I just kind of pointed dumbly out the back door.  She ran out and we were left with a dead guy. 

Again.

While Bert was crying on the floor, I called Scotland Yard to tell them that we had just been attacked in our book shop cum bistro.

"You are completely mad, aren't you?" I said, staring into the kitchen, duffel bag in hand. "Who do you think you are, Dr. Frankenstein?!"

Elle didn't even look up from her weird little science project, holding the ends of a jumper cable in each hand. "YES!!" Her eyes were wild with excitement and she held the jumper cables in the air. "They said it couldn't be done but-"

"Exactly where are you going to put those?" Bert asked, looking truly afraid for his life.

I rolled my eyes. Elle is such a freak. Bert will never shag her now that he's afraid of her... Of course, he's so kinky, maybe he likes being scared... Oh, God. Very bad image in my brain. Ew. Get out, evil image, get out!

Elle thought for a moment. She suddenly ripped open the health inspector's shirt and attached the jumper cables to the man's nipples. She stood back, admiring her work.

"You're gross," I said.

Bert frowned. "Do you know how much that's going to hurt?"

Elle glared at him. "Wot?! You've had jumper cables attached to your nipples, have you?!"

Bert looked sideways. "No..."

Her eyes narrowed. "Besides, if he's truly dead, this won't hurt a bit!" She looked at me. "Ellie, go start the car outside."

I blinked at her. "Wot?"

"Go start the car! Juice 'er on up!" She waited, shaking with anticipation. "WELL, COME ON THEN!!"

"No," I said firmly. "That man is dead. I'm not going to help you make him even deader than he already is, okay? Bert and I agreed that we would call the cops and save ourselves."

Elise's eyes grew wide. "Wot?" She looked at Bert. "Is that true?"

Bert bit his lip. "Well, you see, it's complicated but then, of course, everything in life is complicated..." He stared at the floor. "Yes. Yes, that's what we plan to do."

Elise didn't say another word. She just stormed outside, got into the car and started it. The body of the health inspector shook as power from the car motor entered his body.

And, as if we were in a bloody horror novel, his eyes flashed open.

Well, wouldn’t you be mad?

I mean, who carries a bleeding flask full of water, for Christ’s sake?

Anyroad, I stormed out of the shop, thinking desperately what I could do.  Who dies from a blow to the back of the head, anyways?  He was probably just in a coma, I kept telling myself.

I ran into Black's Books to see if Fran was there.  And she was.  Standing next to Manny.  Who was standing in a box that had sign over it, which read, "Information Point."

"Fran!" I exclaimed, tripping and crashing around chairs and tables.  "Fran!  I need to borrow your car!"  Fran and Manny looked at in between large swigs of wine, straight from the bottle.  "What are you doing?"

"Bernard wants empty wine bottles to stick candles in," Manny explained.

"Can't you buy those?" I asked, momentarily forgetting about the crisis in my kitchen.

"What do need my car for?" Fran asked, slightly frowning.

"Long story," I replied.  "Do you have jump cables?" I asked, having a stroke of genius suddenly hit me, but nothing registered on Fran's face.

"The ones that look like alligators?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, yeah," Fran replied, nodding her head. "You're not going to be long - "

"No, no.  Just...give keys," I answered huriedly, sticking my hand out expectantly.  As soon as Fran had them out of her pocket, I swiped them in mid-air and ran back out of the shop to her car out front.

I not going to lie and say that I'm a good driver, because I'm not.  And the amount of wine I had before hand probably wasn't helping.  Let's just say there aren't any dustbins left in the back street that don't have dents in them.

I managed to get the car at least near our garden.  I dragged the cables out of the boot, through our gate and in through the kitchen door, just in time to see Bert pounding numbers furiously on his mobile.

"Wot you doin'?" I asked, dragging the cables to our comatose friend on the floor.  Bert looked up in surprise, fumbled with his mobile and drop it on the floor.  He looked at me a swallowed soundly.

I glared at him before saying, "Give us a hand."  Bert glanced between me, the Health Inspector and the shop door.  "C'mon," I urged him, grabbing a hold of the man's legs, just above his ankles. 

Bert managed to help me put him up on the kitchen table.  He's not very strong.  You would think he was from the looks of his "muscle tone," but Bert's really quite pathetic.  Elise and I have carried men twice as heavy as that beanpole between us, and not had one problem.

After I had hooked the cables up to the car battery, I came back inside, getting ready to attach the other end of the cables to the Health Inspector's index fingers, when Elise appearred at the shop doorway, holding a duffle bag in each hand.

"Where're you off to?" I asked.

"Whadd'ya doin'?" she demaned.

You know, I'm sure if it worked for Dr. Frankenstein with lightning, it'll work the same for us.  Just with more power.