3 posts tagged “health inspector”

Completely satisfied that that little shock of juice should have at least jolted the health inspector, I was getting out of the car when I heard Elise scream.

I ran inside in time to see the Health Inspector holding one of my kitchen knives to Bert's throat.  So maybe it wasn't Elise who screamed...?

"Wot the SODDING HELL- ?!" I shouted, but was interrupted by the HI.  Honestly I expected him to start grunting like Frankenstein's monster, but I guess that was the second surprise I had that night.

"I want  you to empty your till and give me all the money you've got and anything else that might fetch a hefty price, or I'll slit your girlfriend's pretty little neck," he said, his voice low and dangerous as a sligtly demented smile played on his face.  Actually, it was completely demented.

And to improve to situation even better, Elise started laughing hysterically.

"Fat chance you've got!  There isn't a cent in that till!" she snorted.  I tried to give her a you're-definitely-not helping look, but that made her laugh even more.

The HI started to look nervous. 

"Right, wot's it gona be, give me the money, or your friend here get's it."  Bert stopped whimpering for a brief second to add his two cents worth.

"Just for the record, in case you do decide to kill me, I am a bloke."

"Bert.  Not helping," I replied.  Bert shot me pained look, as the HI shook him and held the blade closer to his neck.

And then the crashing in the shop started.  I suddenly remembered that Bernard had implied that he would actually come to see what we would put up for "competetancy" and thought that is was him and Manny making their path of destruction to the kitchen.

"Bernard, don't come in here!" I yelled.  I made a move for the doorway, but the HI actually pressed the blade against Bert's neck, who was making a brave effort not to cry.

The answer that came back surprised me.  I was really starting to hate, I mean really hate, surprises.

"Bernard's not fucking well here!" yelled Fran, appearing at the doorway.  "And I need my car!"  We all turned to stare at her.  "Oo's 'e?" she demanded, before what was going on registered.

Everything after that happened really quickly.  Honestly, I didn't know Fran could move as fast as she did.

She suddenly bent down, grabbed my discarded pan and hit the Health Inspector over the head before he could react (probably a side effect from being brought back from the dead).  After he and Bert went down, Fran was about to scream for her car, so I just kind of pointed dumbly out the back door.  She ran out and we were left with a dead guy. 

Again.

While Bert was crying on the floor, I called Scotland Yard to tell them that we had just been attacked in our book shop cum bistro.

"You are completely mad, aren't you?" I said, staring into the kitchen, duffel bag in hand. "Who do you think you are, Dr. Frankenstein?!"

Elle didn't even look up from her weird little science project, holding the ends of a jumper cable in each hand. "YES!!" Her eyes were wild with excitement and she held the jumper cables in the air. "They said it couldn't be done but-"

"Exactly where are you going to put those?" Bert asked, looking truly afraid for his life.

I rolled my eyes. Elle is such a freak. Bert will never shag her now that he's afraid of her... Of course, he's so kinky, maybe he likes being scared... Oh, God. Very bad image in my brain. Ew. Get out, evil image, get out!

Elle thought for a moment. She suddenly ripped open the health inspector's shirt and attached the jumper cables to the man's nipples. She stood back, admiring her work.

"You're gross," I said.

Bert frowned. "Do you know how much that's going to hurt?"

Elle glared at him. "Wot?! You've had jumper cables attached to your nipples, have you?!"

Bert looked sideways. "No..."

Her eyes narrowed. "Besides, if he's truly dead, this won't hurt a bit!" She looked at me. "Ellie, go start the car outside."

I blinked at her. "Wot?"

"Go start the car! Juice 'er on up!" She waited, shaking with anticipation. "WELL, COME ON THEN!!"

"No," I said firmly. "That man is dead. I'm not going to help you make him even deader than he already is, okay? Bert and I agreed that we would call the cops and save ourselves."

Elise's eyes grew wide. "Wot?" She looked at Bert. "Is that true?"

Bert bit his lip. "Well, you see, it's complicated but then, of course, everything in life is complicated..." He stared at the floor. "Yes. Yes, that's what we plan to do."

Elise didn't say another word. She just stormed outside, got into the car and started it. The body of the health inspector shook as power from the car motor entered his body.

And, as if we were in a bloody horror novel, his eyes flashed open.

Ha!

Bernard thinks he can just open a restaurant/coffee shop!  It's not that easy, trust me!  I had to actually get my own chef's hat.  Okay, maybe steal is a better word.  Besides, I'm sure the restaurant next door won't miss it all that much.

Anyways, after he knifed one of the things and stormed out screaming for his bearded bitch, Bert decided to sail in with ingredients.  He dropped the paper bags on the counter and Elise, being a nosy parker, dove right in a started pulling everything out, with the usual, "What's this?" and "What's that?"

I have to admit, I was amazed.

"Where did you - how did you know what to get?" I asked Bert, slightly awed, as he stowed some things in the fridge.

"My cousin's a chef at a restaurant in Westminster and he helped me a bit," Bert shrugged.  "It's nothin' special."  He shrugged like it was nothing. 

Later, after we had argued over the menu and had a little to drink, Bert and Elise were getting ready for opening around half-four, I was in the kitchen (with my pilfered hat), trying to start making everything and fighting with my apron.  Bert suddenly appeared at kitchen door, looking a little bewildered.

"What?  What is it?" I asked, slightly annoyed.  I was still a little mad that Elise was making me wear an uniform even though no one would ever see me.  Hopefully.

"There's a - a bloke here to see you," he replied, gesturing to someone I couldn't see over his shoulder.

"Who's it then?" I asked impatiently.   Then some bloke wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a mac, carrying a briefcase swung around into the kitchen and said, "I'm the Health Inspector."

"I'm quaking in my boots," I replied.  "What do you want?"  Bert disappeared as the Health Inspector skulked over to the counter and slammed his briefcase down before poping it open.

"Did you, or did you not, Miss Whyte, apply for a transition of business from novel merchant to food serving establishment?"

"Yeh, but -"

"And you did recieve a licence to serve food in your establishment?"

"Yeh, but -"

"Do not interrupt me, Miss Whyte," he replied, pointing a finger in my face.  He had a clip board and pen ready.  He looked around, scowling at the mess I had already made in my attempts to make a cake and marinate meat at the same time.

He was about to ask me something, when one of those creatures ran out from under the kitchen table, slammed into the back door, skittered around and headed into the shop, which was followed by a squeal from Elise.

"What was that, Miss Whyte?"

"Our dog?"

"I'm quite certain dogs don't have beaks, Miss Whyte."  He scribbled something down on his paper.  "Where is your culinary approval certificate, or if you have it, a degree in culinary arts?" he asked, looking around.

This can't be good.

"It's right up there," I replied, pointing at a spot on the wall.

"I don't see it," he answered, craning his neck and squinting his eyes, scanning the walls, which were splattered with blood, cake batter and melted chocolate.  And maybe there were a couple strawberries that I had thrown at one of those things.  Maybe.

"It's waaaaayyyyy up there, you see?" I asked, reaching behind him to grab a pan as quietly as I could from the sink.  "I graduated from the Culinary School of Excellence with a degree in Excellent -"

"I've never heard of that college; where is it-" THONK.  I had smacked him on the back of the head with the pan, just as he was about to turn around.

Bert and Elise came running.

"Oh my GOD, Elle!  You killed the Health Inspector!" Elise accused me. 

I so did not.