5 posts tagged “saa”

Thank God Bert seems to be over his weird crush/awkwardness. I know the sight of me can drive a man wild but... Bert's not exactly a man, is he?

I found myself sitting in the audience as Mr. Trannie himself took the stage at a rather sketchy club. I could not believe it when Father Chris walked in, tugging his belt over his stomach. (For the record, I hate when lardy men do that. It's even more disgusting than farting in a small room. It seems to be okay for Elle to do though. 'Cept she usually blames it on Bert... or Bernard, even if he's not around. It's very strange.)

I watched Father Chris from my place at the bar, hiding myself behind a wine glass. Elle just glared at me.

"Would you put that glass down? You look like a fool." She frowned and rolled her eyes at me.

"Me the fool?!" I hissed. "Bert's up there in a leotard telling bad jokes about Americans."

Elle consider this. "Good point."

And oh, boy. Bert was really dreadful. Five minutes into his act, he was sweating like a profusely-sweating-thing and looking more nervous than I've ever seen him... Perhaps even more nervous than when he thought I might be pregged up with his child.

"Your friend is coming over here," Elle said, almost too coolly.

I looked over my shoulder. Oh shit! He is! I lamely looked away as he came closer but he recognized me anyway... and took the empty stool beside me.

"Elise!" he said. "Hello! I didn't expect to see you here." He ordered a cranberry juice and smiled at me. "We've missed you at SAA meetings."

The attractive barkeep raised his eyebrows at me.

"Sugar Addicts Anonymous," I said quickly. "I love to bake."

The barkeep didn't seem to believe me.

I smiled weakly. "I've got a steady boyfriend now. I'm cured. I figured SAA wasn't necessary anymore..." I tried to change the subject as quickly as possible. "This isn't the place I thought I'd see you here either."

"Well," he said, his seventeen chins jiggling as he spoke, "this facility primarily serves as a gay club, you know."

My whole face split into a grin. "Father Chris! I had no idea you were a poof!"

Father Chris turned white. "I'm not gay." He looked a bit put off. "I'm a strong believer in the tradition of man-and-woman relationships." He handed me a brochure titled God's Plan. He smiled proudly. "If you have any gay friends, be sure to tell them about our program It's the first step to converting back to a heterosexual lifestyle." Father Chris looked at Bert on stage. "Sadly, the program comes too late for some."

Father Chris said goodbye and tacked some of the pamphlets on the bulletin board by the door. I sent psychic daggers at him as he left.

Elle snickered. "I hope he gets duffed up by a lesbian on his way back to the mother-ship."

Shagapatra. Cor. She's got some nerve. She thinks she's so funny. Well, she's never had to sit in a SAA meeting before, 'as she? No, she has not. She should be going to AA, really, but I would never make her do that because I'm caring, selfless and loving. All I do is give, give, give and she takes, takes, takes. What's wrong with a little addiction anyway? It's more of a hobby that one can be really passionate about. People who read a lot don't go to Readers Anonymous. They're given cute nicknames like "Bookworms" or "Intellectuals". Well, sod it. I hate them all.

The meeting was absolutely dreadful. The room smelled of homeless people, likely because one of the Sex Addicts in attendance was just there, pretending he was a Sex Addict so he could get a free cup of tea and a biscuit or two. His name was Frank. I bet writers would do well at a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeing. The people you meet at those things are the strangest characters a hero could ever meet in a book. The people at this meeting were:

- Myself, obviously. I enjoy sex as a hobby, not an addiction. I'm really healthy, I just have a horrible sister who hates me for some reason. Meanwhile, she's busy shagging some Theo person. It's quite strange.

- Frank, the aforementioned homeless person. Smelly. Claims to have sex far too much. Says he mostly enjoys humping his neighbor. (I suppose that means she lives in the cardboard box across the street.)

- Jon, the teenager. The poor kid is eighteen and he said he likely "flogs his log" about five times a day. I won't lie- this peaked my interest.

- Carla, lawyer. Claims she can't keep clients because she ends up shagging them. Poor girl.

- Jude Law, the actor. (I'm completely serious, by the way.) Apparently he's back to shagging his childrens' nanny. For a person who should be keeping his private life to himself, he's awfully vivid in his descriptions.

Oh, and I was right. It was run by a dirty old vicar. Father Chris, was his name. But he probably belonged there more than anyone. (I'm sure you know the whole thing about priests and alter boys... so we won't get into that.)

But we all mingled for five minutes before the meeting began. I ended up having a nice little conversation with Jon, the teenager. He was quite good-looking for someone so young. He didn't even have any spots, unlike most boys his age. Poor lamb, gave me his phone number, like I would actually call him. He's far too young for me, I'm afraid. I like a man with more experience.

After about half an hour, I tried to bolt. Jude was talking about shagging the nanny (on the set of his new movie) and it just made me want to call Tom. So, without a word, I got out of my seat and headed for the door, running into Elle on the street. Shit.

"Alright there Shagapatra?" she asked, smirking.

Ugh. She's so annoying. Why the bloody hell is Theo shagging her- and not me?!

Bernard is living in Jealous City!

 

I don't know why he's got his knickers all in a knot.  It's my life, so I'll do what I please.

 

And Theo quite pleases me, hahaHA!

 

The world seems to have gone topsy-turvy:  Nifty Gifty is bankrupt, Manny's keeping his distance, Fran has loads of money, Bert's cheering up a bit, Bernard's being more ridiculous than usual and all Elise does is complain and smoke a lot lately.  And I have a boyfriend!  Who cooks!  Instead of going to over-priced, funny smelling restaurants, he cooks for me at his flat! (His flatmates are interesting...I'm pretty sure even Bert would call them poofs).

 

Speaking of Bert, he keeps promising to tell us what his *big* secret is.  Bloody hell, I hope he's not pregnant.  And I wish Elise would get about and do something, instead of scowling all the time.  Just because I made her go to one little SAA meeting.  "But'll be run by some dirty old vicar or something, you'll see!" she kept yelling at me.

 

As if.

 

Theo says he had to take one his mates to one of those meetings and that it really helped him.  Theo so...grand.  And fabulous.  And everything else that's mushy and goopy and wonderful.  I knew if I waited long enough the right bloke would come round for me.

 

He's a little strange though.  Everytime I mention the shop, he asks me something about Bernard.  It's like he has a crush on him or something, ahahaha...wait.  Nah.  It's not possible.

 

Bernard's raving mad anyways.  And so is Fran.  Why on earth would someone buy a grand piano, stow it in the dingiest bookshop in all of London and pay some crazy old, blind Russian to teach you to play just because they think they should have talent because they like music and have lots of CD's.  Tell me the logic behind that, would you? 

 

I took Elise to her first SAA meeting the other afternoon.  I had to walk her there to make sure she actually went and didn't bugger off somewhere and come home pretending she had gone, like the first seven times I tried.  Anyroad, after making sure she actually went in the building, I sauntered over to the cafe across the road to wait.  And guess who was there.  Bernard Black the Green One, and his sidekick, Chewbacca.

 

"Are you following me?" he yelled at me.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"I t'ink you are!"

"I think you're daft, but regardless of the situation, I think that anyway."  I sat down as far away from the raving Irish and Ming the Merciless as I could.  Bernard glared at me for at least a quarter hour.  And then he started hitting on (if you could call it that at all) some bookworm tart sitting in the corner, practically waiting for him to say something.  He did after tripping over himself with stupidity.  I got tired of the entire scene and left to go see if Elise was out yet.  But she wasn't.  I didn't feel much like going back into the cafe and the shops around didn't particularily interest me, so I watched the pigeons for a while. 

 

Pigeons are really bothersome.  And stupid.  So I chased them around the square, managing to kick a few in the process.  It was fairly productive. Haha.  Stupid, stupid pigeons.  Soon after Elise caming running down the stairs, full tilt into a prison break. 

 

"Alright there Shagapatra?"

I'm home! Home, at last!

...That reminds me. Why the bugger did I come home? Nobody 'round here thinks I'm fabulous 'er anythin'. 'Cept for Manny, of course. But from what Bert has told me, Elle took care of that mess quite rightly.

Right now, she's off with some Theo guy. Knowing her, she made the bloke up. Elle doesn't bloody go on dates. She sits with Bert, drinks, says mean things and reads... all the whole pretending she doesn't have a ting for Bernard Black. Oh, I know she does. She's practically the female version of that Irish coot. What could she possibly see in him- besides herself? Now, I'm sure there is some Froydian explaination for her attraction- but I'm too lazy to look it up.

Anyway, Machester was fab. When I wasn't drinking and dancing in all the gay clubs in the city, I was busy grooving with some fab footie players. I am not ashamed to say that I didn't shag the same person twice.

Ah, Manchester. Where a person's dreams can really come true.

Oh, and another thing: I couldn't help but notice that all my clothes are a little stretched out. I knew I should have taken everything with me. It's bad enough Bert uses my makeup all the time. Now my skirts don't even fit me!

Elle is in a rather funny mood. Apparently this Theo chap is quite attractive. But her mood turned sour as soon as I brought up the whole Manny thing.

"You are going back to SAA meetings!" she exclaimed, pointing her finger in my face.

"But I-I-I-I'm fine! Really! I can control myself!" I snapped. "I don't have an addiction anymore!"

"That's a lie," Elle stated, matter-of-factly. "Name the last 3 guys you shagged in Manchester."

"Fine," I said. "The last guy was named Mike Watt. He's an arms expert and is trying to join the army."

"That's one." Elle crossed her arms over her chest. "Two more."

"And the guy before Mike was... er... uh..."

"Right," Elle snapped. "Monday afternoon. You. SAA meeting- or I'll tell Manny what you had me do."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, sister," she said, flatly. "I would." 

 

Tom came by, a few minutes after Elle left on her "date" and Bert left for... something. I'm not even sure where he went. Tom explained to me that he had accidently grabbed Elle's ass the other day, thinking it was me. He still doesn't seem to understand that I'm very annoyed with him.

To make my point as clear as possible, I didn't even kiss him as we shagged on top of Elle's desk.

Thank God Elle felt bad for me. With her blessing (and my promise to attend a SAA meeting tomorrow), I went back to bed, a bottle of very cheap wine under my arm. It had been quite a long time since Elle had sympathized with me. The last time she had shown any sort of understanding towards me was when...

Well, I can't actually remember when that was. But that just proves my point. It's like she's got a sodding gherkin thrust up her backside 24/7. It's such an unattractive quality. The poor girl just needs a good shag (or 12). Maybe she and that guy across the street can get stinking drunk and give it a go.

Oh dear Jesus. Horrible image in my head.

Elle came upstairs about an hour later. I had been busy staring at the wall with a wine bottle in hand when she found me.

"Elise? I need to go out for a minute," she said slowly, as if I had a learning disability or something. "Can you go downstairs? Tend the shop. You don't have to do anything, just make sure nobody comes in and steals anything, alright?"

I grunted in agreement and she helped me down the stairs. They seriously seemed like they'd become steeper and smaller since earlier that morning.

With Elle gone and the shop in my more-than-capable hands, I sat at the desk at the back of the store and looked around. I rang up Tom's bitch lovely girlfriend and left a little message on their machine.

"Hello Trish, it's Elise. Just thought I'd call and thank Tom for last night's shag-athon. Anyway, byeeeeeeee."

Ha. Ha! Hahahahahahaha. Ha. If I have to be miserable, than so shall they. HA!

It was then that Klingon Guy came into the store, his small dark eyes scanning the book shelves. He smiled politely at me and came over to the desk. He spotted the near-empty bottle of wine on the desk and raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh, God. Not another one," he said quietly.

Ah! It speaks English!

"Wot?!" I said, grabbing the bottle and taking another swig. I was depressed. Recently dumped. Living with my sister. I was more than deserving to be completely smashed.

"Nothing," he said. "Are you Elle Whyte?"

"God no!" I snorted with laughter. "I'm 'er sister, Elise. Who a'you?"

"Well, I'm Manny. I work with Bernard at Black Books." He shrugged. "Well, I hope to anyway. It's my first day. I'm on my lunch break right now but I thought I'd pop in and-"

I blinked at him. "That is a fascinatin' story, Mister Klingon. You should, like, save it and tell i' a' par'ies or summing. Yeah?"

Manny wrinkled his nose and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "Well, I-"

"My God," I said. "You really are the strangest-looking person I've ever met. Tell me, does fungus grow on you?"

"No!"

I snorted. "Shame. You could be in, like, a text book or summing." I took another swig. "You men. What is your problem anyway?" I finished off the bottle. "Bastards."

"Well, you're obviously not in the mood to chat, so I'll just be going."

"Yeah!" I yelled after him. "Go! Get on then!"

Before he could leave, Elle showed up at the door... and right behind her was Trish, looking about ready to commit murder.