2 posts tagged “scotland yard”
"Let me get this straight," Inspector O'Hoolihan said in a thick Irish accent, peering at us all from under his hat. "This guy ran in, put a knife to 'dis here guy's troate, 'dis here lady hit 'im over d'head wid dis here fryin' pan and dats how 'e died."
Elle, Bert, Fran and I all exchanged looks. "Yes, sir."
Maybe the irony was lost on everyone else, but I found it quite amusing that this member of England's Scotland Yard was Irish.
"And wot about 'deese here marks on 'is nipples? Wot is that all aboot?" He raised an eyebrow, specifically at Bert.
"...Why do you look at me when you say that?" Bert retorted.
I cleared my throat. "I used to have this friend who would pinch his nipples. He did it all the time. I guess it's a kind of confidence builder." I nodded wisely and pretended I knew exactly what I was talking about- I didn't.
Fran, who was quite drunk, asked if she could leave and take her car back across the street. Inspector O'Hoolihan nodded and she stumbled off.
After the Inspector and the rest of the policemen (and the coroner) left, I slumped down at the kitchen table and put my head down. "Guys. Let's not do that again."
Bert rested his face in his palm. "Agreed." His eyes lowered to his own chest. "Excuse me, I have to go do something."
"Where's he going?" Elle asked me, leaning against the counter.
"I'm almost positive he's going to his room to pinch his nipples."
"Wouldn't doubt it."
I rolled my head to the side. "So, Elle, you still want to have a bistro, even though it might cause us to kill somebody again?"
Elle dug around in the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. "I was saving this for after we had our grand opening... but this is as good a time as any." She guzzled from the bottle and slid it across the kitchen table to me.
I looked at the label. "Wow. Fifteen quid." I nodded in approval. "So fancy." I took a few big gulps.
And then a few more. And then Elle had several more.
I woke up the next morning in a puddle of my own vomit... but at least it was in my home and not prison.
Completely satisfied that that little shock of juice should have at least jolted the health inspector, I was getting out of the car when I heard Elise scream.
I ran inside in time to see the Health Inspector holding one of my kitchen knives to Bert's throat. So maybe it wasn't Elise who screamed...?
"Wot the SODDING HELL- ?!" I shouted, but was interrupted by the HI. Honestly I expected him to start grunting like Frankenstein's monster, but I guess that was the second surprise I had that night.
"I want you to empty your till and give me all the money you've got and anything else that might fetch a hefty price, or I'll slit your girlfriend's pretty little neck," he said, his voice low and dangerous as a sligtly demented smile played on his face. Actually, it was completely demented.
And to improve to situation even better, Elise started laughing hysterically.
"Fat chance you've got! There isn't a cent in that till!" she snorted. I tried to give her a you're-definitely-not helping look, but that made her laugh even more.
The HI started to look nervous.
"Right, wot's it gona be, give me the money, or your friend here get's it." Bert stopped whimpering for a brief second to add his two cents worth.
"Just for the record, in case you do decide to kill me, I am a bloke."
"Bert. Not helping," I replied. Bert shot me pained look, as the HI shook him and held the blade closer to his neck.
And then the crashing in the shop started. I suddenly remembered that Bernard had implied that he would actually come to see what we would put up for "competetancy" and thought that is was him and Manny making their path of destruction to the kitchen.
"Bernard, don't come in here!" I yelled. I made a move for the doorway, but the HI actually pressed the blade against Bert's neck, who was making a brave effort not to cry.
The answer that came back surprised me. I was really starting to hate, I mean really hate, surprises.
"Bernard's not fucking well here!" yelled Fran, appearing at the doorway. "And I need my car!" We all turned to stare at her. "Oo's 'e?" she demanded, before what was going on registered.
Everything after that happened really quickly. Honestly, I didn't know Fran could move as fast as she did.
She suddenly bent down, grabbed my discarded pan and hit the Health Inspector over the head before he could react (probably a side effect from being brought back from the dead). After he and Bert went down, Fran was about to scream for her car, so I just kind of pointed dumbly out the back door. She ran out and we were left with a dead guy.
Again.
While Bert was crying on the floor, I called Scotland Yard to tell them that we had just been attacked in our book shop cum bistro.
